I’ve decided to share a piece of my life…my heart…a very
personal part of my life that I never thought I would share. But I’m sharing it
with you today because it’s the day- 2 years ago (July 25, 2013)- that I held one
of my babies for the first and last time. I want to honor my baby’s life, in
hopes that it will help at least one person in one way or another. Maybe my
story will help many people, but even if it’s just one person that my story has
touched, it was worth it for me to share.
Over 2 years ago, my husband and I were expecting our 3rd
child and we were so excited. We waited till we were about 3 months along to
really start sharing the news with others. Because we had recently before gone
through a miscarriage, and we were waiting till we got through the first
trimester to share our news. Finally, I was past the early stage, into my 2nd
trimester and we began telling our friends & family. Our other 2 kids were
so excited! They had been asking for a baby, and were beyond excited that we
were having one! I had a heartbeat monitor at home, and regularly checked the
heartbeat. This was something our kids loved to hear! I listened to it often
and could always find it quickly. One day though, I wasn’t able to find it and
after over 20 minutes, gave up. I tried a few other times that day and the next
few days, but wasn’t able to find it. So I finally went to the Dr’s….but she
was also unsuccessful at finding the heartbeat with her monitor. She brought me
to the ultrasound room as I hoped & prayed so badly that the baby was just
in a strange position or something, making it difficult to hear the heartbeat- although
I already knew in my heart my baby was gone. My fear was confirmed when I
looked at the screen of my precious baby with no flicker of the heartbeat like
I had seen before. I knew right away, but I waited for confirmation as I was in
a little bit of shock. The look on the face of the ultrasound tech was a look
of concern, getting a little closer to the image as she was trying to find a
sign of life. She tried for what seemed like forever, but eventually they just told
me they were so sorry, that the baby was gone. After crying for a little bit, I
composed myself and walked out of the office, realizing that my baby that had
been growing inside me for about 14 weeks...the baby that I had once seen on the
ultrasound screen kicking & squirming around was no longer alive. It was a
shocking thing to think about and come to terms with.
A few days later, I was admitted into the OB department of
the hospital to give birth to my baby. It was the same place that I had given
birth to my other 2 children- both healthy and well- so it was a little strange
to be there for something like this. I asked for another ultrasound to look at
the baby and confirm that the baby really was gone, before we moved forward
with delivering. I had hope there was going to be some sort of a miracle….but
everything was confirmed once again. Finally, hours later, I delivered a
perfect tiny baby boy…but there were no cries from this baby… They cleaned him
up and handed him to me wrapped up in a blanket and wearing the tiniest hat I
have ever seen. He had been growing inside me for about 14 weeks. Now that
doesn’t seem like very long for a life to grow from nothing does it?…But let me
tell you- he had every feature and part that a newborn baby does- except
everything on him was sooo tiny! He was small enough to just fit in one of my
hands. I held him and studied every part of him and it was a very special time
in my life. At that moment in time I realized that I was experiencing a
miracle. This was the miracle of LIFE! I was holding a life in my hand that had
grown for about 14 weeks. And I realized that it only takes a short number of
weeks for God to create nothing into a human being! I was given a huge gift
that day that I will cherish forever. I was given a gift by God to see the
humanity of an unborn baby. And I am here to tell everyone about the humanity
of those we aren’t able to see while they are growing inside their mother’s womb.
They are just a tiny human who needs more time to grow until they can live
outside their mother’s body on their own.
A local funeral home provided us the most compassionate care
in helping give our baby proper respect after his death. They treated us just
as is we had lost one of our children- which in my eyes we had. But they helped
us have our baby cremated and we now have a very special tiny blue urn that we
will always cherish. Also, the hospital gave us his tiny hat and a special
handmade quilt to remember our baby. And
I can’t forget the nurses- they gave us such wonderful and compassionate care
while we were there.
Another gift I was given that day, was the promise that I
will one day spend eternity with my sweet baby boy who I was never able to
officially meet. I have read my bible, prayed to God- and I know that when it’s
my time, and I enter heaven for eternity, my baby boy will be there to greet
me. I also have the promise, that my other miscarried baby, who I never saw in
human form, will be there in heaven to meet me as well. And I hope that anyone
who has gone through a miscarriage, suffered through a tragic still-birth, lost
a child or gone through an abortion- knows that they can also have this hope
and promise as well. Your child is there waiting for you in heaven as well, and
you can have that hope and promise until it’s your time. What a gift God has
given- he is taking care of our babies until we can be there to spend eternity
with them. Heaven is full of love and happiness. If you have gone through an
abortion, God will help you heal from your pain- just
pray to Him! And you also have the promise that your baby is in heaven with the
Lord, and they are waiting for you to join them one day. I am living my life so
happy thinking about my babies living in so much love & happiness and
knowing that I will get to meet them one day. What a promise! I am so thankful
for the gift I was given, and I hope by me sharing my story, it helps someone
else.
The bible says “You have been my guide since I was formed…from
my Mother’s womb you are my God.” ~Psalm 22:10
I read the book Heaven is for Real about the little 4 year
old boy, Colton, who went to heaven during a terrible sickness and came back to
tell about it. He told his parents bits and pieces over a period of time and
they were just astounded by the things he said. One of the things he said to
his Mother one day was “Mommy, I have two sisters.” “No,” his Mother told him, “you
have your sister, Cassie…do you mean your cousin, Traci?” Colton answered, “no.
I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn’t you?” Very
surprised, his Mother said, “who told you I had a baby die in my tummy?” And
Colton told his Mom, “she did, Mommy. She said she died in your tummy.” He went
on to tell them that his sister in heaven ran up to him and wouldn’t stop
hugging him. His Mom asked what her name was. Colton told her that she didn’t
have a name because you guys didn’t name her. His Mom told him that he was
right, that they didn’t even know she was a girl. Colton ended the conversation
with, “yeah, she said she just can’t wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven.”
Oh, how I love this part in the book Heaven is for Real.
Wow, what a story! These parents had never told anyone about their miscarriage,
and their 4 year old son who said he went to heaven, came back and told them
about his sister in heaven. He also had many other things he told them, that he
could have never known unless he truly did go to heaven. I firmly believe this
story of this little 4 year old boy did truly happen. And it’s just another
confirmation to me, that my children are there waiting for me and their Daddy when
we join them in heaven! What a special thing to think about!
I also want to touch on the subject of infertility. I have a
great deal of compassion for those who are going through or have gone through this.
This is a different kind of loss- one in which a child is longed for, but not yet
received. And that in my eyes, is another kind of a very difficult feeling of
loss I am sure …I will be praying for you.
Feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to talk about
child loss of any kind. I’ll always be here with a listening ear free from any
kind of judgment. And although I consider myself pro-life, I am only looking at
the future of the unborn babies, to protect and speak for those who haven’t yet
been born. For women who have had
abortions in the past or even the future, I would never judge…I only hope to
help bring us all to the peace and understanding of the value of the human
life. And I hope that by me sharing my story, it helps show the humanity and
value of the unborn babies’ lives! They are valuable just as you and I are! After
all, we were all an unborn baby at one point in time. That’s just it- that’s
the difference between us and the unborn babies- it’s simply…time… No matter your view in the past, or what you
have been through before, let’s just join together now…today. Let’s stand together
for the protection of the unborn babies and show our care and love for them.
Each and every human being in this world has a purpose- each person is valuable
in their own way. And we need to value the human life of the innocent unborn
babies. The growing unborn baby is the most innocent, fragile human beings in
our world, and they need the most protection. Let’s protect them together!
