A piece of my Heart...

I’ve decided to share a piece of my life…my heart…a very personal part of my life that I never thought I would share. But I’m sharing it with you today because it’s the day- 2 years ago (July 25, 2013)- that I held one of my babies for the first and last time. I want to honor my baby’s life, in hopes that it will help at least one person in one way or another. Maybe my story will help many people, but even if it’s just one person that my story has touched, it was worth it for me to share.

Over 2 years ago, my husband and I were expecting our 3^rd child and we were so excited. We waited till we were about 3 months along to really start sharing the news with others. Because we had recently before gone through a miscarriage, and we were waiting till we got through the first trimester to share our news. Finally, I was past the early stage, into my 2^nd trimester and we began telling our friends & family. Our other 2 kids were so excited! They had been asking for a baby, and were beyond excited that we were having one! I had a heartbeat monitor at home, and regularly checked the heartbeat. This was something our kids loved to hear! I listened to it often and could always find it quickly. One day though, I wasn’t able to find it and after over 20 minutes, gave up. I tried a few other times that day and the next few days, but wasn’t able to find it. So I finally went to the Dr’s….but she was also unsuccessful at finding the heartbeat with her monitor. She brought me to the ultrasound room as I hoped & prayed so badly that the baby was just in a strange position or something, making it difficult to hear the heartbeat- although I already knew in my heart my baby was gone. My fear was confirmed when I looked at the screen of my precious baby with no flicker of the heartbeat like I had seen before. I knew right away, but I waited for confirmation as I was in a little bit of shock. The look on the face of the ultrasound tech was a look of concern, getting a little closer to the image as she was trying to find a sign of life. She tried for what seemed like forever, but eventually they just told me they were so sorry, that the baby was gone. After crying for a little bit, I composed myself and walked out of the office, realizing that my baby that had been growing inside me for about 14 weeks...the baby that I had once seen on the ultrasound screen kicking & squirming around was no longer alive. It was a shocking thing to think about and come to terms with.

A few days later, I was admitted into the OB department of the hospital to give birth to my baby. It was the same place that I had given birth to my other 2 children- both healthy and well- so it was a little strange to be there for something like this. I asked for another ultrasound to look at the baby and confirm that the baby really was gone, before we moved forward with delivering. I had hope there was going to be some sort of a miracle….but everything was confirmed once again. Finally, hours later, I delivered a perfect tiny baby boy…but there were no cries from this baby… They cleaned him up and handed him to me wrapped up in a blanket and wearing the tiniest hat I have ever seen. He had been growing inside me for about 14 weeks. Now that doesn’t seem like very long for a life to grow from nothing does it?…But let me tell you- he had every feature and part that a newborn baby does- except everything on him was sooo tiny! He was small enough to just fit in one of my hands. I held him and studied every part of him and it was a very special time in my life. At that moment in time I realized that I was experiencing a miracle. This was the miracle of LIFE! I was holding a life in my hand that had grown for about 14 weeks. And I realized that it only takes a short number of weeks for God to create nothing into a human being! I was given a huge gift that day that I will cherish forever. I was given a gift by God to see the humanity of an unborn baby. And I am here to tell everyone about the humanity of those we aren’t able to see while they are growing inside their mother’s womb. They are just a tiny human who needs more time to grow until they can live outside their mother’s body on their own.

A local funeral home provided us the most compassionate care in helping give our baby proper respect after his death. They treated us just as is we had lost one of our children- which in my eyes we had. But they helped us have our baby cremated and we now have a very special tiny blue urn that we will always cherish. Also, the hospital gave us his tiny hat and a special handmade quilt to remember our baby.  And I can’t forget the nurses- they gave us such wonderful and compassionate care while we were there.

 

Another gift I was given that day, was the promise that I will one day spend eternity with my sweet baby boy who I was never able to officially meet. I have read my bible, prayed to God- and I know that when it’s my time, and I enter heaven for eternity, my baby boy will be there to greet me. I also have the promise, that my other miscarried baby, who I never saw in human form, will be there in heaven to meet me as well. And I hope that anyone who has gone through a miscarriage, suffered through a tragic still-birth, lost a child or gone through an abortion- knows that they can also have this hope and promise as well. Your child is there waiting for you in heaven as well, and you can have that hope and promise until it’s your time. What a gift God has given- he is taking care of our babies until we can be there to spend eternity with them. Heaven is full of love and happiness. If you have gone through an abortion, God will help you heal from your pain- just pray to Him! And you also have the promise that your baby is in heaven with the Lord, and they are waiting for you to join them one day. I am living my life so happy thinking about my babies living in so much love & happiness and knowing that I will get to meet them one day. What a promise! I am so thankful for the gift I was given, and I hope by me sharing my story, it helps someone else.

The bible says “You have been my guide since I was formed…from my Mother’s womb you are my God.” ~Psalm 22:10

I read the book Heaven is for Real about the little 4 year old boy, Colton, who went to heaven during a terrible sickness and came back to tell about it. He told his parents bits and pieces over a period of time and they were just astounded by the things he said. One of the things he said to his Mother one day was “Mommy, I have two sisters.” “No,” his Mother told him, “you have your sister, Cassie…do you mean your cousin, Traci?” Colton answered, “no. I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn’t you?” Very surprised, his Mother said, “who told you I had a baby die in my tummy?” And Colton told his Mom, “she did, Mommy. She said she died in your tummy.” He went on to tell them that his sister in heaven ran up to him and wouldn’t stop hugging him. His Mom asked what her name was. Colton told her that she didn’t have a name because you guys didn’t name her. His Mom told him that he was right, that they didn’t even know she was a girl. Colton ended the conversation with, “yeah, she said she just can’t wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven.”

Oh, how I love this part in the book Heaven is for Real. Wow, what a story! These parents had never told anyone about their miscarriage, and their 4 year old son who said he went to heaven, came back and told them about his sister in heaven. He also had many other things he told them, that he could have never known unless he truly did go to heaven. I firmly believe this story of this little 4 year old boy did truly happen. And it’s just another confirmation to me, that my children are there waiting for me and their Daddy when we join them in heaven! What a special thing to think about!  

I also want to touch on the subject of infertility. I have a great deal of compassion for those who are going through or have gone through this. This is a different kind of loss- one in which a child is longed for, but not yet received. And that in my eyes, is another kind of a very difficult feeling of loss I am sure …I will be praying for you.

Feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to talk about child loss of any kind. I’ll always be here with a listening ear free from any kind of judgment. And although I consider myself pro-life, I am only looking at the future of the unborn babies, to protect and speak for those who haven’t yet been born.  For women who have had abortions in the past or even the future, I would never judge…I only hope to help bring us all to the peace and understanding of the value of the human life. And I hope that by me sharing my story, it helps show the humanity and value of the unborn babies’ lives! They are valuable just as you and I are! After all, we were all an unborn baby at one point in time. That’s just it- that’s the difference between us and the unborn babies- it’s simply…time…  No matter your view in the past, or what you have been through before, let’s just join together now…today. Let’s stand together for the protection of the unborn babies and show our care and love for them. Each and every human being in this world has a purpose- each person is valuable in their own way. And we need to value the human life of the innocent unborn babies. The growing unborn baby is the most innocent, fragile human beings in our world, and they need the most protection. Let’s protect them together!

 

We weren’t able to find out the reason for the loss of our baby boy. But I have come to peace with that it was just his time to go. And I feel in my heart that he will serve a purpose in life, just by me sharing my story of him- sharing the humanity of the unborn babies who just need more time to grow.